By Josefine Speyer
The July Death Cafe at Café Rouge in Hampstead
was a success. For the first time it was fully booked a week in advance, in
fact I had over booked it, allowing for several cancellations on the day.
Thank you to Liz Wong (Death Doula), David
Spofforth (Interfaith Minister)
and Celia Urbach (Psychotherapist) who agreed to help me facilitate – each of
us to a table - which ensured that everyone had a chance to speak. Feedback in
June suggested that this would help.
As the host, I welcomed everybody and set the
scene for the evening with introductions and general guidance.
At the beginning of the second half of the
evening, I invite everyone to contemplate the question, “What would be your
ideal death?”, and then to talk about this in pairs. ‘The room then buzzes with
animated talk! It is great for
everyone to have the chance to talk one-to-one.
I paired up with a young man who had come back
late after the break and did not have a partner. I was taken aback by his
response to the question. He said he did not care how he died. “Not even if you
can have a choice?” He said, no,
it was more important what his family would do afterwards.
When we rejoined the table, relaying what had
come up for people, it was a most intimate and moving circle, with a great
sense of warmth and acceptance of everyone and an incredible openness amongst
the group.
Before drawing the evening to a close, I asked
everyone to listen to a story, which David read to us standing on the steps to
the balcony. It is an amusing, philosophical story about what creates a
meaningful, rich life.
Then each table had a closing round where
everyone had a last say, to express how they felt at the end of this Death Café
experience. I was very moved by the atmosphere that was generated around our
table. It felt like a deep bond of humanity. I think this feeling was shared by
others in the room.
From an email the next day:
Thank you so much again for offering me a place
last night. It was really good to experience the event and it helps guide the
decision about offering a Death Cafe locally in North Hertfordshire.
There was
a rather extraordinary gathering around the table after the exercise (What
would be your ideal death?). Four
of us were Jewish and we shared a very similar legacy regarding the holocaust
and the pogroms - and how it led us to the work we do now. That meeting of
souls was a very beautiful gift.
From Suzanne
Michal, healer and author:
" My
life has been shaped, destroyed and reborn by losing many close people in my
life including my husband, sister, soul brother and friends. It has been a
lonely path to recover and learn that ultimately death is a gift as it makes us
cherish life. But now I have found the Death Cafe where I have met other people
who want to share their stories and questions around death. This has proven to
be the most wonderful experience. This very special event has opened my
horizons, challenged me emotionally and opened my heart in a very big way. It
is no wonder at the end of it, nobody wanted to leave, everybody was hugging with
deep, deep gratitude for this unique opportunity to talk about death! "
From a
blog by CJ Swaby:
I attended my first Death Cafe this week. Now
I know what you are thinking, But I bet you are curious right? When I
told my friends where I was heading that Monday evening, they looked at me
bemused. Behind the contorted face, their confusion gave birth to questions
such as, "Death Cafe? What's that then?" Or "You mean you
talk about death all night? Isn't that depressing?" Well actually
it's not.
I have to admit, as I entered Cafe Rouge on Hampstead High Street that Monday
evening, I was bubbling with curiosity. I was late. As I clambered up the
stairs to the intimate room at the top, the host, Josefine Speyer, was already
setting the stage for the evening with an openness, calm, respect and
gentleness that seemed to give the attendees permission to open up to complete
strangers about why they were attending, and their personal experience.
So why do we even need Death
Cafes? That's a great question, and lets be honest, as one of my
more eager friends put it,
"Oh wow! that is rather interesting. Conversations about death,
without people thinking your suicidal or crazy." The
question of death ultimately ties in with it the question of life. Now
this was no counselling session, but it opened up a space for people to express
their inner most thoughts and feelings, fears, hopes, insecurities, and also
what they loved most about life too.
The death
cafe is a non-judgemental place that brings into sharp
perspective our own mortality, and unifies us in our experience, in that death
does not discriminate. It is not prejudice. Is does not care about how
much you earn, what sex you are, what race you are, or even your sexuality. In
this powerful, shared experience, through our conversations we were able to get
back in touch, and connect profoundly with not only ourselves, but complete
strangers, if just for a brief moment in time.
I found myself recounting tales of my grandmothers death, and that of my
brothers. I even recited my brothers poems that I have tattooed on both my
legs. What was striking to me was the difference between how I related to
these stories, compared to if I had told them to you six or seven years ago.
Before where there was pain, anguish and suffering. Now I can remember
them with a smile and be really present to the love I have for them both, and
the gratitude that I have for having had them in my life, others hadn't. There
were those who had a terminal illness and were battling for their own right to
die. There were those who were still in obvious pain, and those who were at
peace. The age group was diverse. Their stories equally diverse and mind
blowing. It was a fascinating and precious experience that expanded my
perception, and touched me profoundly. So to answer the question why do
we need a Death
Cafe? Perhaps to inject a little life into death.
